Currently Listening Another Journal Entry By BarlowGirl see related

It's official.  I'm planning to go inpatient tomorrow.  My flight leaves quite early from EC airport.  I'm signed up to be there for the next 60 days, so I don't belive I'll be able to write for a while.  But you can all still check back just in case.  :)

Oh Lord, please let this be when I get close to You, and learn how to love You and what it really means to have a right relationship with You. 

So I might be going inpatient again... in AZ.  ?!?  I really, really don't want to go in hospital!  I do not have the money for this!  And I don't want to leave my job(s).  I just need some major guidance, and it has nothing to do with "eating disorders".  It has everything to do with my identity in Christ.  That's what's so messed up in me right now.  It's a spiritual problem manifesting itself in a physical way.  Why can't anyone understand that?!  By giving in to what my parents want, I'm saying that what they think about me is true, and it's so not true it's almost funny. 

So, uh, um... whatever.  Screw me.  I'm so sick of this whole life thing.  It sucks.

Currently Reading Falling Up (Diary of a Teenage Girl, Book 12) By Melody Carlson see related

Today I am cranky and very fat.  (Of course it's the truth, for heaven't sake!)

I feel like crying and listening to angry music while smushing small insects violently to make me feel powerful.

AAURRGH!

Please don't laugh.  I feel crappy enough already.

Enough is enough!  I'm sick of chasing my tail.  Sometimes I wish God would just strike me down with a heavenly lightening bolt; life is such a drag.

Lord, I just want to curl up and go to sleep and somehow escape this.  Right now I hate life, and with good reason, I guess.  I don't mean to dump all this complaining on you, but I figure You know it all anyway, and at least I'm talking to You, right?  At least that's what I hope You think.   Euuuh, sometimes I just wanna hit something!  It's like I have all this hatred inside me like steam, and pretty soon I'm going to start wailing like a teapot!  What is so wrong with me that I'm feeling so negative?  I guess I just need to snap out of this pity (patty) party mode.  Man, I am such a screw-up.  I won't re-hash it all; You already know it.  Is there ever any way that You can make this failure into something beautiful?

I have not been in the xanga mood for some time now.  Some things just can't be described in writing.  Like how fat I am.  Like the way I hate food.  Like how I want my life to have a purpose but I'm too scared to do anything (not that I would know what to do anyway).  Yuck.

Yay for getting a haircut!  I so love short hair.  Maybe now I'll be brave enough to post a picture...

Trivia contest tonight... We have so many books waiting at home, even though we probably won't end up using any of them.  It's all on the internet anyway.

If anyone gets bored tonight, stop by.  We'll be at home.  :)